x rated
5:19 p.m. - 2006-07-26
I had sexy dreams last night. Cesar was the focus. This kind of bothers me but at the same time I just kinda shrug, because it's not like he has any idea what's going on. I think my attraction was kinda sparked by the whole conflict with the new bartender at work. He's gay, but Cesar doesn't know that. All he sees is that the new guy and I get along. And now he has this anger towards Ryan. It's not because Ryan doesn't do a good job, because hell, we've never had a better daytime bartender, and Ryan's been nothing but nice.
It's kinda sick, but I like the idea that he still thinks of me as his. And that was mostly what the dream was last night -- him searching around for me in a fury as I hid in buildings. And I knew that if he got ahold of me, he'd force himself upon me and make me say I was his.In the dream there were memories of him having done the same thing in the past, many times.
I've come to the sad conclusion that it's not possible to have truly rough and degrading sex with a guy who deeply cares about you. It really is too bad. The sex he and I had was always amazing because he always found ways to remind me that he was stronger, in control. And I loved being reminded.
*sigh* If only he weren't a complete dickhead...
allie