this is Rant: Part XXXXVII
3:15 p.m. - 2006-12-26
i am so sick of being around mom. i really am. she's fucking depressing to talk to. i sound insensitive, i know. and maybe i'm the worst daughter on the planet but i've told her so many times that i love her and nothing would ever make me stop loving her. she knows i come over all the time to hang out with her. i give her hugs, i try to be as understanding as possible. but she tells me, "i'm glad you get along with diane" sometimes and then turns around and starts demanding to know things about diane and dad, while bawling her eyes out and if i don't say anything, i get yelled at for "taking their side." it's such BULLSHIT. i've been trying as hard as i can this whole trip to be there for her, but it's like nothing is ever enough. she's only happy if i'm bitching about dad and diane. really. i'm not making an assumption here...it's really true. the other day she told me it was my fault that i'm upset all the time about everything because i put myself in the middle. she actually had the nerve to tell me that i put myself in the middle.
so explain to me what i'm supposed to do. if someone starts venting to me and i try to be understanding, i'm putting myself in the middle, as mom puts it. if i stay silent and don't support anybody, everybody hates me. someone please explain to me how i am supposed to deal with this situation and not lose my mind! i'd love to know. really. because right now, today, i feel like i should be on that flight home with ben. i don't want to be here. mom's got jason and i both here for the first time in a year and all she does is sleep and bitch about diane and cry. awesome. i can't wait for the next family reunion.
all this has done is made me want to avoid mom. jason also thinks i'm being insensitive about everything. but he hasn't been here. he doesn't know what it's like. he gets home and he's gone with his friends for a good portion of the time. and that's fine, it's his trip home too and he should do what he wants. but he has no argument, coming at me with everything he's said, when he's been home for 2 days. oh yeah, gosh, it's tough for you? cry me a fucking river. i've been here since october, trying to help mom make peace with everything. i think i'm done. like i said, i want to avoid her and just stay with dad now. but if i do that, what will happen to my relationship with mom? will we never be the same? or should i not even worry about never being the same because in truth, things haven't been the same since she got her own place?maybe i'm trying to preserve something that is already gone.
and i miss ben. big time. i'm so grateful that i got to spend as much time with him as i have these past few days. he is everything to me. love(c: