suck.
11:49 a.m. - 2006-12-28
i hate when people don't know how to gracefully apologize. or hell, even apologize. maybe they really think that they're perfect enough to never make a mistake and therefore should never have to apologize for anything.
i hate that dad is throwing away any chance at a good relationship with jason just because diane might feel a little "off."
i hate that the past two years, my family has sort of crumbled. mom and i have had a lot of awful moments, jason and i have...dad and jason can't STOP having awful moments...it's like everything sucks. we're all alive but sometimes it feels like we all live in completely different worlds.
i hate that i can't make everything right, and that by even trying to help anybody involved, i'm always stepping on someone else's toes. always.
i don't know if this ordeal had made me more or less excited about going to school, but i am really ready to be back in california. that's another thing, though -- i know that when i leave this time, i'll feel like i'm letting everybody down. like i'm ditching.
i have been a lot more accepting of dad's and diane's relationship since they got together. i tried to just keep a distance from a lot of the shit that was going on and say, "dad's happy, and that's what's important." but i really don't like that diane was sleeping in the same bed my mom slept in for 21 years, only a week after my mom had moved out. after mom and dad being married for 35 years, that is seriously fucked up. and the thing is, neither dad nor diane ever saw ANYTHING wrong with it. i am still in completely boggled about it. i mean, really, how is that possible? dad makes it seem like the identity of the woman he spends his time with is so arbitrary. "if it wasn't diane, it would have been someone else. i'm not going to live alone." i can't count the number of times he's said that to me before. as though i want to hear that! as though i'm supposed to understand, when apparently the only other one who does understand this is diane. and if i were in diane's position, i would be seriously wondering about the morals of the man i was with, if he truly thought nothing of having me in his bed, sleeping where his wife always slept for 35 years. wouldn't you think it weird, too?
i've got more to bitch about but it'll have to wait. dad actually hung up on jason this morning and jason needs to use dad's car to get his stuff and go shopping before his friend picks him up to go down to boston.