clarity
10:07 p.m. - 2006-12-29
I'm starting to think I was meant to come out here to be with my parents for so long, and the reason isn't what I would have expected it would be.
I really thought it would be meant for them -- to give me a chance to help them with all of their problems. After all, ever since I moved to California, I've felt a sort of aching, I guess you'd call it, and it was always me wishing I could be here for them in their times of need. So when this opportunity to spend at least 2 months with them came to me, I was a girl on a mission. That goal was beyond lofty...I just never thought so before. I truly, genuinely believed I could fix many (better yet, all) of their problems and help them to become healthier, happier individuals.
But now, after everything I've tried to do out here, I finally realized today that I've been trying to fix problems that don't want to be fixed. Really. Dad doesn't want to be social. He doesn't want to exercise. Mom doesn't want to quit smoking and she doesn't want to see a divorce counselor. I need to accept this. I break down and cry sometimes because I see the lack of progress around me.
Friends have indeed told me that I can't fix my folks' problems for them. But there's always been a big difference between hearing the truth, and seeing it for yourself. Everybody knows that. Well, except for kids, because we're all dumbasses when we're kids and we think we know everything. But I digress.
I'm starting to think that I was meant to come on this trip not for Mom or Dad, but for me. Tonight is the first time I've really organized these thoughts. But I think I'm right. I think I am meant to find inner peace before I leave Maine this time.
I've been putting all of this pressure on myself to help everyone when really, they don't need help because they're happy with their current situations. They're not children. Dad has had many close calls -- a heart attack and two brushes with cancer. He knows he's not a healthy man, but he is an adult and he understands the probable consequences of his lifestyle. He's content.
And Mom is happy being a smoker for now. And although I may be wrong about this, I'm going to propose that she's content being unhappy. At least for now. She knows that she could make a change if she wanted to, and that nothing could possibly be worse than what she's been feeling. But she's satisfied with this at the moment. She chooses to not make these changes.
I've been prattling on and on, but these realizations relax me and writing them down is therapeutic. My parents' lives are the way they want them at the moment. I am not responsible for their progress and if they choose to not change, it's not because I'm "using the wrong tactic." I'm not a bad daughter. I'm not lazy or heartless. I'm not a failure.
So, yeah, I'm sort of crying right now. But to tell the truth, these tears almost feel like happy ones. And hot damn if THAT isn't a welcome change.