d
11:44:29 - 2000-01-04
GS told me this morning that d is kinda depressed because he's lonely, and he asked if he could tell d that i like him. well, back up- see, GS and his g/f EH have told d that someone likes him, but they won't tell him who. and i know i need to tell him, but i'm so afraid of rejection and also, if he doesn't like me, i will never be comfortable around him again because i'll be thinking of him in that way and i know he'll know i'm thinking of him that way and it won't be mutual. i want his friendship and i will probably lose that if he knows i like him and doesn't like me back. i don't want him to be sad, i wish i could change it for him. but just because he's lonely doesn't mean he wants me. i can't emphasize enough all the subtleties that consume me. little things like him not stopping to say something to me at my locker or if he doesn't send an instant message to me before i send one to him. stupid little things. part of me wonders if i'd really rather just be fantasizing about him and i together, rather than actually being with him. but then the other part of me knows that i'm only thinking of letting it be because i'm too insecure to confess how i feel. i will survive this somehow. and who knows...maybe it'll be a happy ending. ya think? it will be. because deep down inside me i think i have a smidge of strength. it'll pop up one day, i'm sure. someday...
(o: (o: (o: don't worry be happy :o) :o) :o)