needing a vacation more than you could ever fathom
22:47:55 - 2001-01-22
i went to go see my grandfather tonight. he was still pretty out of it. surgery was 8-12 this morning. it was going to be a quadruple bypass but ending up being a triple. he was really freaking out and you could tell, even though he wasn't moving much. he would moan every now and then and try to lift up his arms to take out some of the tubing, but he could only lift them maybe half a foot. his face and neck were so swollen and his eyes were all but closed and i was having a hard time handling it. forced myself not to cry though, so as to avoid scaring him even more. see, all his life he's been so...in-control. he's 76 and still acts like he's a carpenter. now he's terrified because he can barely move at all and he thinks he's going to stay that way.
i'm trying really hard to not think about the stuff matt said because i don't want to believe it. at least not in the way that matt was implying that kevin meant it..them..whatever...the comments. but still, i'm like, all paranoid and everything and i can't stop thinking about it and i am working with him wednesday night and i just know that i'm going to be so quiet and un-....un-...al-like? yeah. blech.
i fixed it earlier so that now, whenever dad scrolls down the "favorite places" list, he sees a listing of "dad, you DISGUST me" right below "teen hardcore pics free." gag? yes. definitely. what idiot actually has the nerve to bookmark a porn site of naked teen girls, when his TEEN-age DAUGHTER uses the internet so often? hmph, color me nauseous.
no more bad stuff this week, ok? please?