what do i say now?
11:18 a.m. - 2003-08-31
i was told yesterday that i let ben rule my life. and it hurt. i was wasn't expecting it at all. and it obviously had hurt her that i hadn't gone to her play before. i wish she had just told me at the time, so we could have talked about it. i guess i do have a selfish side to me, since i did choose a spring break vacation over her play. i wanted to do both, but i was so sick of being in this town and this state, i just wanted to go somewhere to escape. and then when georgia didn't happen, and after i'd mentioned the play several times to him before, i figured that he wasn't saying, "well, let's go to the play, since we aren't going to georgia" simply because he didn't want to go. and i didn't want to make him go if he didn't want to, just to drive me all the way up there. i didn't want to treat him like a taxi.
i don't know why i'm writing all of this in here. i should just be saying it to her. and i will at some point.
it's just that being in a serious relationship like this is huge. it's not like i can turn it off and on when i do anything. it's always in my thoughts because it is my life now. everything is different than it was before. it affects everything. i don't just have myself to think about when i do things...i have him to think about, too. he's part of me and i'm part of him. and it isn't like some prison...it's nice to need him like this and know that he needs me.
wow. i actually used this diary to get my thoughts out today. strange. anyway, gotta go to work. toodles.
al