venting like crazy
9:45 p.m. - 2004-05-14
i don't understand why i can't get over the fact that i'm not as pretty as i'd like to be. i know ben will read this and feel like he's not telling me i'm beautiful enough, but sweetie...it's not you. it's something inside me, and people around me (not you) who make me feel less than adequate. and i don't know why it matters to me. i started crying when i was driving home because i realized that i don't reach my own standards of what beauty is. really, that was just the start of it. the real reason i was crying was because i know that the way ben views me is the only view i should care about. but it's not. it's got nothing to do with him. i feel like i keep saying the same thing over and over again. this is so hard to explain. why isn't ben's adoration of me enough? why am i always seeking approval of my face and body from others?
i hate that all of my friends are so beautiful. they're the best friends i could ever ask for, but i feel so...invisible when i go anywhere with them and i'm the last person anyone notices.
maybe it's sam at work that is bringing all of this up. he always finds some way to make me uncomfortable. i'm sure the things he says are all very innocent in his eyes, but nevertheless, i'm reminded of bad adolescent experiences at least once each shift i work with him. he'll say, "allison's hot" to someone standing next to me, or something like that, but with this faint air of sarcasm. and he flirts with everyone, so the mere fact that i am a breathing female is, i guess, an automatic reason for him to flirt with me. and today he picked dandelions for some reason and brought them into work. i asked once why they were lying on the countertop and he kept saying, "you think they're for you, but they're not, so leave them alone. i didn't pick them for you." now, i don't have any interest in sam; somewhat cute as he may be, he is so flirty and so overconfident that i am almost repulsed by him. he kept harping on this dandelion thing. even though i don't feel anything for him, he somehow made me feel like i did and that he was rejecting me. it felt like um...let's see, every bad experience i've had with guys in the past. it's always been, gee, you're a nice girl, but i'm not interested in you like that. he followed all of this up with (in a humorless tone), "i don't like you like that, allison, and even if i did, i wouldn't tell you here because this is a work environment." it was as if, in his mind, i had been on my knees, begging him to go out with me. it was so weird. and joking or not, he made me remember every bad past experience with the opposite sex and as a result, i have felt so lousy and undesirable all day. it's not that i'm too fat, because i'm not overweight. and it's not that i don't dress in flattering clothes, because i do. it's just me. my face. i'm starting to really understand why some turn to plastic surgery, and i hate that. i wish i didn't have such a hard time accepting myself. it's just so junky-feeling to know you're thought of as "the girl with a nice personality."