warning: lots of bitching below
11:21 a.m. - 2004-05-20
i'm inspired by jared's hold-nothing-back journal. so i'm going to try to do the same with mine from now on. if someone reads this and gets hurt, well, that's that and you need to accept that this is my diary and venting is what it's here for. i'm nervous. whatever.
i blew up at mom yesterday when i found out how many cigarettes she smokes a day -- sixteen. and i mean i lost it. i started throwing stuff on the floor and screaming and swearing at her. well, not at her, i guess. i didn't say "fuck you"...it was more like, "i'm so fucking sick of you not listening to anything i say when i try to talk to you about this!" stuff like that. then we both started bawling. i asked her, "what if something happens to you while i'm in california???" and she replied, "well, then you won't have to worry about it." i lost it again, swore some more. i hope the neighbors didn't hear us, but i guess they must've. anyway, we spoke afterward and she tried to turn stuff around on me by saying that she's worried about ben and me driving out to cali, that it's not like driving here and blah blah blah. she wants us to fly out there. she was like, "everytime i've tried to give you a suggestion you've shot it down." i had no clue what she was talking about until she brought up her having mentioned ben and me flying out there and shipping everything else, including the truck. apparently she had been meaning that SHE would pay for all of this, but she never told me until yesterday. not that we're going to do it...it's still a really expensive idea. and besides, if she's so worried about me being able to drive in california, shouldn't she be understanding that by driving there i'll gain all the experience i'd ever need? UGH. all of this chaos yesterday because she smokes and won't try to stop. NEXT.
i don't know why i read allie's diary anymore. i just get irritable every time. i have a spot in my heart for her and always will, but she pisses me off. i'm so sick of her being dramatic in her diary and talking as though she has the worst life ever. and i'm not unsympathetic to the fact that one of her best friends died, but she was like this long before that tragedy. if people aren't happy with their lives, why don't they just DO something about it? i'm also sick of her ranting about people. she's so harsh all the time to people who don't seem to deserve it at all. it's like she thinks she's better than everyone else, or that everyone is out to get her...maybe both. i don't know. and i know it's her diary...her personal place to vent. but good lord, if that's what she is constantly feeling like, there is a big problem there. but i can't help her. not from here, anyway. NEXT.
sometimes i still think about russ. i still get upset with myself, and occasionally with him. i wish he had ended (or preferably not even started) what we had sooner because although i was aware that what i was doing was wrong, i wasn't mature enough to make the right decision. he should have been. but it was hard for him, too, and i understand that. and as for christy...sometimes i am very sympathetic to the way she's acted toward me, but usually i'm just wanting to slap her. it blows my mind when, with triangular situations as the one i was involved in, the wife gets angrier at the 3rd person than at her husband, as though he was an almost-innocent bystander. it's all such bullshit. i don't want her to flip out on russ and i'm not saying i was, by any means, an angel. but damn it, i wasn't the one with a family to answer to and to take care of. but i'm just harping on my own experience here. i guess he's been partaking in other, more recent and more tangible extracurricular activities lately, according to her diary. i wish i could talk to him about everything again. i feel like there's more to say. probably not, though. i don't know what kind of closure i could ever gain from a situation such as this, aside from russ and christy making it work and doing it well and happily. or the two of them going their separate ways and finding happiness elsewhere.
i guess that's all i've got for now. to rant about, anyway.
jason's coming home tonight after being gone for 8 months. it's going to be strange. i feel strange. neither excited nor upset, just sort of indifferent. maybe i'm just too used to him not being around. don't know. i'm sure i'll be really happy once he's here.
ben and i have officially decided that we want to move to california with zack and rusty. i'm excited. i hope they are, too, and i can't wait to have them here in maine so we can really start planning. and me...i need to start packing, don't i? whew...
and man, i can't wait to live with my ben. snuggling every night, eating dinner together, grocery shopping together, exercising together. it's going to be incredible. i love love.
-allison-