i wish i hated you
11:42 a.m. - 2005-05-31
what is it with me and married men?
at least russ was always honest with me. but cesar? i've been waiting for him to be honest with me for so long. i've been patient and open and willing and forgiving but apparently he hasn't noticed any of this. maybe he's just at a point where he's been lying to me for so long that he doesn't think the truth is even an option. he really must think i'm just a silly, naive white girl from the east coast. i've been pondering whether this is mostly a cultural difference, or if it's just a barrier of his own creation. i am no closer to a conclusion than i was months ago.
i know that he's unofficially separated from his wife and is half-heartedly trying to make it work with her. but i suppose that is my problem with it all. he's only putting partial effort into everything. if he wants to be with her, he should stop using me and do everything he can to make it work with her. if he wants to leave her, he should do it. he should do ANYTHING. for christ's sake, do SOMETHING. he is the stereotypical man that women have come to hate. and i sort of wish i could hate him. hatred would give me strength for at least a little while.
i've tried so hard to be there for him, but he doesn't care or even notice. sex, sex, sex. it's all i am to him, apparently. he likes the way i look and probably the way i make him feel...he knows how crazy about him i am. it must be comforting to have me to turn to when his "on and off girlfriend" is "too demanding."
he makes all these promises to me just to shut me up for a while -- "i'll call you tomorrow after you get out of work, around 2:30 or 3" and "i'm free monday during the day, we'll do something." but he never calls, and when i call him, it's always, "i'm working on a car in san jose right now, can i call you in a little bit?" and i say yes, but i always know that the call is never going to come.
i don't think i've ever met anyone so self-centered. i don't know why i keep telling myself that there's a good person underneath it all. maybe because he's a considerate lover. who knows. why can't i find it in myself to just blow him off?? he certainly deserves it.
he makes me feel so bad about myself. i doubt he realizes it. after all, he's so concentrated on no one but himself, how could he possibly notice that he's breaking the heart of his...whore.
i'm worth so much more than this.