tapped. completely tapped.
9:21 a.m. - 2005-06-05
so let me play back last night for all of you.
first of all, my phone rings at 4am. i scramble out of bed, confused, and see "Cesar" on caller ID. for some reason i get all paranoid, thinking it's his wife, so i don't answer. but all day i'm worried, thinking something must be wrong.
i go to work at 6pm and cesar comes up to me and asks me to go to the restaurant next door to get a certain type of glasses from their bar because we're out. before i leave i ask about the 4am phonecall and his response is, with eyes drifting to the left and down and a voice that gets really soft, "i was at a friend's house...i wanted to see you..." obviously he's lying and he's a terrible liar, always has been. he tries to kiss me but i turn away. and i never do find out the real reason for the 4am phonecall.
later, as i'm waiting for my food, he comes out from behind the bar and asks why i'm mad at him. "i'm sorry i called you this morning, i was thinking of you, i wanted to see you" he says. inside, i'm rolling my eyes because i know he's not telling the truth, but i say, "i'm not upset with you for calling me at 4am. you can call me whenever, i don't mind. i was just worried that something was wrong." but he volunteers nothing and when i turn away from his advances again, he asks again why i'm mad. "i'm not mad at you, cesar, i just....can't see you anymore. all you do is make me feel bad about myself...you make me feel like a whore. you never call me back when you say you will, you never follow through with plans you make with me and when i call you on the day of plans we've made, you have no idea what i'm talking about. i hate this."
"you get mad too easily," he says, and then looks around. "if i could pause everyone in this restaurant right now i would grab you," and then, seeing the disgusted look on my face, he adds, "and me saying that makes you mad?"
HOLY FUCK. he's not deaf or mentally retarded, so i'm completely tapped as to why nothing i say gets through to him.
"i'm upset because you never want anything with me except sex! you never just want to hang out with me, it's always just about sex! i don't know what it takes to be good enough for you, but obviously i'm not it, so we're through. i can't do this anymore."
now you're thinking, wow, that last bit was pretty straight-to-the-point...allison must've gotten through to him when she said those things. for sure.
NOPE. he babbles on about how he's really busy, that he's sorry and that he thinks he's going to spend the night "somewhere else" and i can go with him. i don't know what the hell he means by "somewhere else" but see, that's the way it is with cesar. he never makes sense, and when i try to narrow it down, he manages to answer me in a way that leaves me still completely confused. i tell him that he can call me after he gets out of work and "we can talk about everything all over again, but..." and i just sort of trail off, shaking my head. and he says, "i will call you. i will. after i get out of work, i'll call you and we'll talk." he leans in and tries to kiss me again and i turn away, so he kisses my hand. i grab my food, come home, and play Knights of the Old Republic with ben for a couple of hours until i get so sleepy that i can't keep my eyes open.
and the phone never rang.