hollow
3:51 p.m. - 2005-11-21
i am the biggest fool. ever. hopelessly romantic and apparently bound to suffer for it.
i thought cesar was different now. i thought we would be different. after i'd broken up with him, he seemed desperate for me, constantly showing affection for me at work, making every effort to talk to me or see me, even though i continually blew him off. and over time i started to get frustrated because we hadn't actually had a "break up talk" and i had a lot that i wanted to explain to him and i wanted explanations from him, too. so i invited him to come over one night so we could get everything out in the open. and that night, he had seemed so sincere and honest and open. i'd felt like i was really seeing the inner him. he made be believe that he cared about me and wanted something real with me. something more than sex.
but it was all a ruse. it was all just a bunch of lies and perfectly-played manipulation to weaken me once more. and it worked.
he claimed he wasn't happy with selma. i believed him, but told him he needed to do something about it instead of seeing me and lying to her about it. and he always said he would leave her, but that he just needed more time so he could save up some money for an apartment for himself, because they're so expensive out here. i believed him.
but the other day, she apparently checked his phone voicemail and found a message from me. he called me the next day and referred to her reaction as "dramatic." i asked him what he said to her in response to the situation, and he said, "i told her it was just some girl i'd hung out with a few times, but that nothing happened."
naturally, i was livid and demanded to know why he would tell her that. and he responded, "well, what did you want me to tell her, the truth?" i was so upset. not as much angry as i was sad, and disappointed in both him and in myself. so i said, "so you want to stop seeing me?" and he said, "for a little while, yeah. selma needs me right now." i just hung up on him. i could not believe that he expected me to back off for a while so he can fix things with her and then, when she's unsuspecting again, we can continue to have the sex-only relationship that he is forever claiming means so much to him and that he hopes will someday be more. fuck that. seriously.
i feel so stupid. and hurt. and hollow, like something's been taken from me that i'll never get back. i used to defend him all the time but i can't anymore. a good person would not use me the way he has. a good person would feel too guilty to want to cheat on his live-in girlfriend indefinitely. if he were a good person, he would not take advantage of my feelings for him to get sex.
why me? it's not like i'm the prettiest girl ever or that i'm more talented in the bedroom than anybody else. i'm just average, i'm just me. why couldn't he just find a woman who wanted a casual, no-strings-attached relationship?
maybe he just liked manipulating me. maybe it was a turn-on for him.
god, please don't let me fall under his spell again. i need to remember this.