make me all courtesan-like!
4:58 p.m. - 2006-08-25
so i had this really humiliating experience yesterday. a guy i used to work with, and became crazy about, stopped in at the restaurant yesterday. it'd been about a year since i'd last seen him. he was with his new girlfriend and they sat out in the patio. i was eating at the time and simply prayed that he hadn't seen me and that i could avoid an uncomfortable situation. but i guess he saw me and asked joellen where i was. so she came in and forced me to go outside. it was really uncomfortable, as predicted, and though i tried to be cool/graceful, i wound up just being way nervous and making snappy, sarcastic remarks at joellen in an effort to take the spotlight away from my nervousness. and he was all, "how are you, sweetie?" over and over again he called me 'sweetie' which would have been okay if he weren't with his girlfriend. that normally-casual petname wound up coming across as condescending and, in my massive discomfort, i found a dirty table to clean as a desperate escape.
after joellen came inside from having chatted with him and his girlfriend, she said to me, "allison, my god, your cheeks when you were out there... pink looks nice on you!"
after all of that was overwith yesterday, i realized that i'm somewhat bitter that i lack charisma and confidence. i mean, fuck, i was such a dumbass! why?! it's not like i didn't look good yesterday. hell, i looked pretty smokin'. maybe it was just because his girlfriend was there. who knows. but why can't i have that calm, seductive side that so many women possess? why do i have to be a total spaz? after all, i'm a good person, i'm very open-minded, accepting, always trying to help everyone out, etc. but when it comes to something i want, i am totally lost, i fumble, and my awareness that my desperation is so apparent forces any shred of confidence i might have had is to just be blown away like sand. i've sometimes even longed to belong to one of those fancy whorehouses where women are taught how to be graceful and sexy and seductive. because that will never be me, you know? but then again, maybe not. i s'pose i'm only 22 (23 in a couple of weeks!)...maybe there's hope for me yet.