i don't want to live in this house anymore
1:29 p.m. - 2003-05-14
whew! nothing like a good hour of exercising to make me feel like i earned that bowl of oatmeal cookie chunk ice cream last night! mmm!
buffy was WILD last night! i still don't get the appeal of angel's character. spike is way cooler. and cuter. and he has an accent.
today mum and i are going out to get a new camera for her. she's going to give me the one she has now so that i'll actually have one from now on. one that works, anyway. my mom is so nice. and we're gonna go out to eat and go to the mall and maybe shop for an outfit for her to wear to jason's graduation! and i want to find a black camisole that i can wear with my teal skirt. i'm gonna look gooooood. yeah.
on friday, mom and i (dad, too, but in in his space shuttle) are gonna go to vermont. jason graduates on saturday and directly after that, we'll be going to his house with all of his friends and their families to have a big party. it should be interesting. he called earlier to ask me what kind of kool-aid he and his friends should make this giant block of ice that they're going to chisel holes through and pour booze down for people to...i don't know, really. lie on the ground and wait for the alcohol to fall into their mouths? whatever. i said pink.
we'll be coming back sometime on sunday. then on monday evening i'll be taking a bus up to bangor to stay until thursday because my baby is having a really tough time. he needs me. you know, it feels pretty good to say that. i think i'll say it again. he needs me. mmm, i'm all warm and fuzzy inside. i love you, sweetheart! i'll be there soon.
i called driving schools today that are within a reasonable distance and got prices for private lessons. last night i had a blow out with dad. he refuses to drive with me to help me with my hours because his stupid space shuttle of a vehicle is too goddamned precious. i was like, dude, i've already been through a driving course, i'm not going to sit there and do the whole thing over again...all you have to do is drive with me around scarborough. then he started literally yelling at me that i ask too much of him - that nothing he ever does is good enough. to that, i said (while in tears, mind you, because i can never keep my emotions in check around him), "all i want you to do is help me in some way other than financially!" and he responded, "then you're asking for more than i can give."
i don't understand how he has lived with me for 19 years and yet doesn't know me at all. did i ask him for a car? NOPE. did i ask him for ANYTHING? aside from a ride back from work on weekends, i think not. and yet i'm such a demanding daughter, while jason is out there, having already crashed the new truck that dad bought for him. this is accident #5 for jason. jason, who can never admit he does anything wrong and who constantly expects dad to pay for everything, yet I'M the shitty child of the family for wanting something that doesn't require a hefty bank account. FUCK YOU, dad. i cried so much last night. he will never understand me. and he disgusts me. the only thing that had temporarily healed our relationship was that he had started exercising. now he's stopped, not even a few weeks later, saying, "i'm taking a vacation," while pouring a bag of m&ms into his mouth. a vacation from what? what does he think, that some little elf out there is going to exercise for him and make him healthy??? i will be so glad to be out of this house so i don't have to watch him anymore. a bag of m&ms -- two on many a night -- a big bowl of ice cream, and nothing but watching tv and sleeping. it's disgusting, along with his dependency on those cholesterol pills. i feel like i'm going to throw up.
allie