let it be pms
2:35 a.m. - 2003-12-28
mike's mother is dead. it happened monday sometime at maine med. ron called me from oscars to let me know...to let all of us know. i cried so much. not so much for her, because i only met her twice. i cried for mike. because he only just turned 17 and he's got his whole life ahead of him and no mother to share it with. i'm crying right now as i type this. he shouldn't have to deal or cope with something like this, he's so young and unprepared for life in general.
after i finished crying i wrote a letter to him, mostly about how i didn't know what to write. i've never lost anyone. my dog rex, but that's different. maybe because i couldn't have a conversation with him, or because he couldn't hug me back when i hugged him. i don't know.
mike's parents were divorced. he'd alternate where to stay each week, and dreaded each week he was with his dad because they just don't understand each other. now he'll be there always. and he'll most definitely drop out of high school now, as he'd been thinking about maybe doing before. and he would never talk about his feelings. not to his coworkers, not to his closest friends...not to anybody. i'm scared for him. i'm scared that any desire he may have had to open up to someone is now gone...burned to the ground because he is dealing with a loss so profoundly painful that he'll think nobody will ever be able to understand him. i want to be wrong, though.
i need to go rinse my face. my skin is stiff from my dried tears.
i'd been doing a lot better, not thinking about it much. spent a lot of time with ben, especially today. he is my angel. i get so scared sometimes, randomly...terrified that i'll lose him. or my mom. she smokes and smokes and works so hard at her job and isn't really happy and i worry that those three things will eventually come together and hurt her.
ERRR! what the hell am i saying?! i'm pmsing and it's 3 in the morning and i can't worry about these things because it's useless.
i'm going to bed.