so maybe i chose the wrong bartender
4:41 p.m. - 2005-07-21
i think, overall, i've been great lately. i mean, considering that mom is putting me through the emotional ringer these days, trying to get me to take sides in this whole divorce. i try to make her see what she's doing but she denies it, of course. claims i'm not supporting her as a daughter should. i've been trying to get in touch with jason but he seems to be avoiding the lot of us. he's having a harder time dealing with all this than i thought he would. he'll be okay in time, though. he's surrounded by friends, as always. and hey, maybe he's got the best plan of any -- not returning mom's or dad's calls so that they have no way of putting him in the middle.
i went to work today and both michael and edgar noticed i was kinda sad...not laughing or joking a whole lot and such. edgar was bartending today when michael asked me, "are you feeling better?" and edgar, curious, asked what was up. he was all, "set your food over here at the bar and talk to me about it." i smiled and said, "nah, thanks, i don't want to be the annoying person who bugs the bartender about my problems."
so, he came out from behind the bar, sat next to me at the counter and started asking me about what was wrong. turns out his parents were divorced a couple of years ago, too...so he knows about the whole becoming-the-messenger and taking-sides crap. so we just vented to each other for a while and it was so nice. then michael came over and we all goofed off for a good hour or so. before i left i thanked edgar for letting me vent and he had one of the sweetest smiles i've ever seen come over his face. our eyes were locked for just a second longer than they probabaly should have been...
which leads to me be frustrated that i'm involved with cesar. cesar's a good person and i'm crazy about him, but i'm starting to become impatient in all this waiting for him to open up to me. i can tell that he doesn't have any close friends. i want to be close to him. and i've been so good to him. i'm understanding and gentle and laid back and i always make it very clear that he can talk to me about anything. and that i want to spend time with him...sometime when he doesn't have any obligations for the day. if that ever could happen.
i don't know. when i'm with him, i feel happy, but when we're apart, i feel like he's more a project than a boyfriend. but that's the way i am with a lot of people, i suppose -- when i'm away from them, my mind starts doing all kinds of crazy things. sometimes they're crazy thoughts. but sometimes they're spot on. maybe this is one of those times.
anyway, my point was that i've been slowly getting a crush on edgar. sometimes i get the impression that he's interested in me, but then i look at the other girls that work at cascal and all the other women that come in that he seems attracted to, and i'm not like them. and i know that i'm in an open relationship and all, but i really don't want to be involved with TWO coworkers and even if i did stop seeing cesar, i wouldn't want to start dating edgar because that would cause weirdness.
i guess i've been writing about all this for a long time. didn't realize it till now. oh well, whatever. i'ma go do some laundry.
oh, before i go...my pookie and i had a great night last night. first, we bought a new cd - Frou Frou's Details. SO amazing, i recommend it to everyone. anyhoo, then we got some groceries, came home and ate nachos while watching BUBBA HO-TEP. it was fantastic, and my love for bruce campbell only grows!
toodles!
lpn