people can surprise you. in my case, always.
5:00 p.m. - 2005-08-17
cesar just left for work. it feels different every time we're together. not in a fragmented love/hate kind of way, but more like evolution. each time, a little more closeness. i always showered him with affection but his reluctance to do the same was always clear. today was so different than all of that.
he's had an awful month...his mother died and while he was still trying to accept that, his sister and little niece were in a car accident. he drove down to LA to see them and has just been driving all over the place. they're fine now, but he is very much on emotional overload now. he's so physically and emotionally tired from trying to hard to help everyone else and i can't help but wonder if anyone is doing the same for him. today he held me for so long and my heart just ached for him because i could feel how desperately he wants to be loved and comforted. and that was without the attempts he was making to express, in english, the abstractness of what it feels like to lose someone. i hope being with me lessened his pain a little bit. i gave him his birthday present, which he didn't open but instead said softly, "my mom always called me on my birthday." it made me want to cry but instead i just held him again.
i've never lost anyone except my baby dog rex. well, okay, hehe, he wasn't a baby physically, but inside he was a big softy. *smiles* i miss my rexy. he'd've loved california...people everywhere to dazzle with his cuteness. rex thoughts always make me smile, i'm glad he popped into my head.
last night was role-playing at mark's place. ben and i have agreed that once we have a nicer place, we'd like to host the RP sessions. comfier seats and no bugs because we'd be in an apartment and not a garage. whatev, we still have a good time. i'm just all giddy at the thought of a nice apartment and of starting traditions inside it.
after role-playing, ben and i drove erika to her place and she wound up talking to us about this guy she's been seeing off and on. we've met him and he seems fine/cool but he and erika are both very aggressive people, and when you combine that with erika's sick desire to manipulate some men and claim total power over them, you get nasty results. this guy almost punched her in the face. he shook her, tripped her to the ground and pinned her down, threatening to hit her. she told us that she'd been laughing the whole time because she realized how much power she has over him. she was really quite proud of herself.
naturally, ben and i were both disgusted, and he was the one with nerve enough to tell her, flat-out, that what she did was wrong and horrible and that nobody deserves what she did to this guy. i agreed with him but i didn't scold her...figured it would have really upset her to have 2 people against her. but i was very clear that we don't want anything to happen to her and that she just needs to be more careful in life...people aren't toys.
i'd always noticed her arrogant tendencies but i never before made the connection between them and the way she likes to manipulate men. ben brought it up after we'd dropped her off. last night she sort of frightened me. she's sadistic and proud of what she can do to people's emotions.
i'm hoping that ben putting her in her place didn't strip her interest in talking to us, but if it did, well...it was meant to be. a true friend tells you what you need to hear and that's exactly what ben did. i'm proud of him.
i'm gonna go shower before benji comes home. i want pizza tonight. yeah. with hamburger topping. mmm. yeah. and wine?? oh, baby, bestill my grumbling tummy.