blabbity blabbity
10:03 a.m. - 2005-08-21
i went to work last night and one of cesar's sisters and friends and kids had a reservation, it was no big deal. but they came in and of course, he couldn't acknowledge that he knows me. i mean, he didn't ignore me, but he was definitely going out of his way to avoid too much contact with me. and at the end of the night i got no hug or anything - just a kiss on the cheek and a "you look like a beautiful tomboy" because i'd changed into baggy gray pants and my tight black tank top.
i'm not scarred or anything, i'm fine. but i'd be lying if i said it didn't bother me that i'm his dirty little secret. i'm in love with him and i've done so much for him...i feel like i deserve more than being kept in the shadows when anyone from his life is around.
i can't ask him to leave her for me, because i am not going to leave ben. and that's not only because of my connection with ben being so profound, and that i could never live without it or without him. it's also because i know cesar and i know myself...we're not meant to be in a real, serious relationship. not the kind i would be interested in, anyway. i don't think cesar would ever be willing to open up to the point that ben has. i will never get to know cesar as well as i'd like to, and i don't even know how well he wants to know me. maybe he has no clue what he really wants, you know? i think he cares about me, but not enough. and though i should probably take that as a sign to lose him, i can't.
anyway, enough babbling about this shite.
lpn