done with you, bad juju man
3:49 p.m. - 2005-09-02
i'm done with cesar. and it's for real this time. he's just used me ever since we first got involved and i deserve so much better tan that. i was so good to him and tried so hard to be everything i thought he'd never had in a girlfriend before. made no difference to him, though. in fact, i don't even think he noticed or heard anything except my naked body and the sounds i'd make during sex. my personality wasn't something he was aware of.
this is final. i've talked to all of my friends here about it now, including my boss jo ellen (honorary mom on the west coast). it's not a secret anymore and that makes my decision concrete. i can't lie to myself anymore that he's worth another try, because i'm surrounded by people who care about me and will smack me upside the head if i start to act weak. he's not worth another try.
last night at work he was like, "i left her...i'm not living with her anymore," as though that was the reason i've decided to end it with him. i don't give a shit what is going on with her, although if she kicked him out then i'm happy for her. i must admit it was pretty empowering knowing that now he's alone, he's going to want me so desperately, especially when he sees me at work...and i'm not available. ooo, i get all tingly at the thought, hehe. i'm sick. but he deserves to be alone.
anyway, i think it's nap time. byeee.