you should buy a big dog and ask me to doggysit for you all the time.
5:09 p.m. - 2005-09-22
so...i guess cesar's pretty much given up no me. i'll know for sure this saturday night when we work together, but he's definitely not trying as hard as he was to get my attention. and that bothers me, even though it shouldn't. i was hoping that he would realize what he was missing. of course he'd miss the sex, because, hey, who wouldn't miss getting good sex consistently each week, but i'm thinking more of how i want him to miss *me*, you know? ...the girl that obviously cared about him so much and was always willing to listen to him vent about all the stuff in his life. the girl who'd always shower him with affection.
but i suppose i'm expecting way too much from him. he has no respect for women, so why would he miss anything about me aside from my body? i tried so hard to be what i thought he'd never had. and i'm sure that i succeeded, but he was such a bonehead that he didn't even notice the effort. but i've said all this before. i just wish i meant something to him. besides orgasms. last saturday i was eating in the bar after work and he came over and started again asking me to go to a movie with him. i said 'no, but i will go have coffee with you if you want, so that we can talk. i'm not going to sit in a darkened theater alone with you, though. we wouldn't be able to talk about anything.' he then said, "was i really that bad to you?" and i basically just cut it down to this: "you don't care about me the way i care about you. you don't love me." and for ONCE, he was caught off guard and had no idea what to say. no suave reply, no sexy lines, nothing. he just looked at me for a minute and then turned around and went back to work.
in other, far more fabulous news, my brother jason came here yesterday and spent the night. he left just a couple of hours ago but it was a great time. we're just so close now, such good friends. he's working at stinson beach for the next two months or so, so he's hoping to spend most of his days off right here with ben and i, which will be so awesome.
other than that i've just been spending time with benji, who i think i fall deeper in love with each time we're together. and i'm not saying that because i know he'll read this. (i'm glad if it makes you smile, though, baby).
tonight erika and i are going to a bar down the street because she met the bartender there a week or so ago and apparently he is ridiculously sexy. so we're going to go drink and dance a little. maybe dance. she'll dance. i'll probably just watch. not much of a dancer myself, much less in public. but we'll see, right? guess it just depends what kind of drink you give me and how many.
anyway, it's now time to play lunar 2. you're goin' DOWN, zophar!
byeee!